Oh. Well, that wasn’t so bad.

Topic #172:

What have you feared that turned out to be much easier than you expected?

Growing up in L.A., there were two amusement parks that my family would frequent: Disneyland, and Knott’s Berry Farm. Neither one is particularly known for having the big, scary roller coaster rides. However I, as a child, was scared of all of the “big” rides in those parks. To give you some idea of what a wuss I was, I considered Pirates of the Caribbean a big ride, because of the two little drops in the ride. Yup, I was that kid.

This was actually one aspect in which peer pressure turned out to be a good thing, because it wasn’t until I was at Magic Mountain with my friends (and afraid of looking like a wuss in front of them), that I put on a brave face and got on a little ride called Flashback. It was fast, it was crazy, it made my neck hurt, and it was exhilarating. That day, I think I went on every roller coaster at least twice. From then on, I was a fan of the big rides.

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“Why, oh why, didn’t I take the blue pill?”

Topic #169:

If given the choice, are you the kind of person who takes the red pill, or the blue pill? Why? When do you willfully do the opposite?

Background on the red pill vs. blue pill here.

Bullshit isn’t something I tolerate well, so I’m generally a “red pill” type. I know that the blue pill might seem easier. But it isn’t, really, because I’m the type of person who can’t stand being kept in the dark.

I guess maybe I did willfully do the opposite for a while, though. I guess my brain wasn’t prepared to deal with the prospect of me having to start over alone. Truth be told, it wasn’t prepared two months ago, either, but the blue pill was no longer really an option.

That’s how it works, though. Red pill gets swallowed, the life you knew abruptly ends, wackiness ensues. Given the circumstances, I think I’m coping like a champ.

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d) All of the Above

Topic #163:

Is courage made, grown or found?

I’ve never thought of courage as a singular thing. I’ve always seen courage as being made up of lots of individual pieces, each one tailored to a different aspect of our lives. For instance, moral courage isn’t going to help you at a skydiving lesson, and physical courage isn’t going to help you tell the truth.

That said, I think everyone has experienced courage through all three means. Maybe you made courage by facing a fear head-on. Maybe you grew courage by gradually swimming to a deeper part of the pool each day. Maybe you found courage when it occurred to you that you’d survived everything that had ever happened to you before that moment.

This post is dedicated to my father, because the man has some serious grit.

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Lost Love

Topic #161:

What have you lost recently? And what are you doing to try to get it back? Or are you now surprised to be glad you lost it?

I lost the love of my life. Although, I think he wanted to be lost. I think that when he looks at me, all he sees are his responsibilities, and that doesn’t exactly trigger dopamine.

You see, there’s a certain thing that happens when you’re young, and you fall in love. The hormones surge, and the brain rides high on happy chemicals, and you feel a great deal of passion. It feels sort of like you’re living in an Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem, and to be honest, it’s exhausting.

Once that feeling inevitably fades, what’s usually left is an adult relationship, filled with ups and downs. It requires a commitment from both partners. It’s about give and take, and you can’t take what your partner is unwilling to give. I am not doing anything to get his love back, because he is not doing anything to give it back.

Mind you, there is something else I’ve lost as a result of this, and I don’t mind seeing the back of it: the fear that I would lose his love. It’s been one of my biggest fears for the past decade, and now that it’s actually happened, the fear has no place inside of me anymore. So, there’s a thing.

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[Queen Reference]

Topic #156:

If you knew you were going to live forever, what would change?

  • I’d stop worrying about doing only the most practical things, because I’d have time for everything.
  • I’d learn every language on the planet.
  • There would be no place on Earth that I couldn’t see in my lifetime.

None of that stuff is worth it, though, if it means outliving everyone I care about.

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20 Days

Topic #155:

If you knew you were going to die in 20 days, what would change?

I tried to think of a clever answer about what would change if I knew I was going to die in 20 days, but I drew a blank. In all honesty, very little would change. I say this because about 7 weeks ago, my life as I knew it ended, and a part of me died as a result of that. The real changes only occurred after that “death.”

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Where I Went Today

No, not Faber College. I did, however, go to the college closest to where I live. In an annoying, slightly depressing turn of events, I had to go change my name on their records to my married name. It’s my own fault, because when I re-enrolled, that’s the name I put on the application.

Changing the information was easy, and since I was there pretty much right after the admissions office opened, the counselor wasn’t busy. I found out what prerequisites I needed to take to get into an RN program at another college, as this one doesn’t currently have an RN program. I can take the prerequisites at this one, though, so I think it’ll be at least a year before I have to worry about schlepping to a college downtown.

The only thing I currently need to worry about, is applying for financial aid, and deciding how many units I want to take in the first semester. I feel like it’s been so long since I went to school, the first semester should just be one or two courses, so I can get used to it again. It seems like going from zero to overachiever right away would be kind of a bad idea.

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The World, for a Change.

Topic #147:

Whose responsibility is it to change the world? And what will be your contribution?

Owls, spoons or hammocks. My contribution will be to provide one of these things. Well, to provide a spoon.

Is this how you figure out that I haven’t slept in two days? Tune in next time for the answer!

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Kid Fears

Topic #145:

What is a fear you think you can conquer today?

I don’t think I have any fears that can be conquered today, to be honest. I have gradually conquered most of the fears I had as a kid, and the only fears I have left in me, unfortunately, are here to stay.

The Daily Post did link to an article about how to overcome fears, but honestly, I didn’t think it seemed particularly useful. It’s the same advice you will have heard from pretty much everyone you’ve ever opened up to about your fears.

I believe I will cut this entry short, as this is kind of a busy day.


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Summer Things. 10 of Them.

Topic #144:

Make a top ten list of things to do this summer. And if you are somewhere in the world where the seasons are different, make a top ten list of things you want to do next season.

Somehow, coming up with 10 specific things to do this summer is kind of daunting right now. I think it goes back to elementary school, when the teachers would give us a journal at the end of the year, which we had to update every day of the summer so we could read at the start of the next year. The first summer, pretty much all of the entries were “Today I went swimming, and played with the dog.” Other kids had stories of water parks, camping trips, vacations in other states or countries… I had the swimming pool, and a dog.

At 30, I find myself with the same pool, a different dog, and the addition of one daughter. Coming up with 10 things I will realistically be able to do this summer isn’t the problem; it’s coming up with interesting things. Oh, well, in no particular order:

  1. Enroll in college again (kind of already did this one)
  2. Turn 31
  3. Swim every day (or at least every other day)
  4. Release the butterflies (they’re still caterpillars right now)
  5. See the new Harry Potter movie (by myself, if I have to)
  6. Buy at least three new bras
  7. Try to make macarons again
  8. Go to Knott’s Berry Farm (haven’t been there in years)
  9. Put an avocado tree in the back yard
  10. Find sandals that aren’t ghastly

Well, those are things, and there are 10 of them, so I might just about get away with this.

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